All My Friends

I am standing in the nicest elevator in the nicest building in the nicest part of Harlem. Victoria is the only thing on my mind. She’s been the only thing on my mind since her professor caught us on top of each other in a booth at a nearby bar. Half-running through the lobby are two girls and a boy. I stick my hand out to keep the elevator door from closing. They pile in. I smile. We ascend. ‘Here for the dinner?’ the boy says. ‘Yup,’ I say. We introduce ourselves. I forget their names immediately. ‘Who d’y’know?’ he says. ‘Victoria.’ The three of them nod like I’ve passed some kind of test. ‘D’ya go’t’Columbia too?’ the boy asks. I shake my head. ‘NYU.’ Inside 9Q, Victoria is shoving a camcorder in my face. I kiss the lens and she laughs. I try to loosen up and look good on camera. ‘I’m so happy you came,’ she says. She introduces me to ten or so people. I forget all of their names except Anaïs, who spills sangria on my vintage shirt. I’m incredibly annoyed, but I try to act nonchalant and unbothered. ‘We’ll clean it later at mine,’ Victoria says. The thought of ending up in her apartment calms me. We make our way up to the roof. There’s a long mahogany table surrounded by chairs and people. I don’t know anyone except Victoria, but I don’t want to linger around her and seem desperate. I settle for drinking a sangria and chain-smoking near the edge and hoping it comes off more mysterious and exciting than creepy and weird. Dinner is two tacos that I eat standing up. The first taco tastes enough like cardboard that I largely ignore the second. I roll a cigarette with Anaïs and try to find some common ground. She calls herself a filmmaker. I don’t have the heart to call myself a writer. ‘Can I roll a cigarette?’ the boy from the elevator says. I nod. He introduces himself to Anaïs. His name is Silas. The cigarette he is trying to roll keeps falling apart in his hands. Victoria whisks me off to meet her friend Jacob and his girlfriend. They have heard a lot about me. Jacob works in real estate. I reach for another sangria. A turtlenecked Englishman is introduced as the chef and everyone thanks him for the cardboard cooking. Silas and someone who looks like Stevie Nicks stroll over and start talking. My words are starting to stick together. They say my accent is Californian but that I speak like a foreigner. I’m given another sangria. Silas and Stevie Nicks are arguing about whether or not it’s okay to use the word ‘retarded’. I finish my drink and sit on the deck chairs by Victoria and Anaïs. I get swept up in the spins. They come all at once. I undo my top button to try and cool down. My eyes flutter. I realize I’m incredibly drunk. ‘Are you okay?’ Anaïs says. It’s clear that I’m not. I stumble over to the edge of the roof, out of sight, and try to vomit. Nothing comes, so I stick two fingers as far down my throat as I can. A pink geyser spews onto the side of the building below. After a number of heaves, I feel much better. I wait, hoping that no one saw me. Since my fingers are still covered in vomit, I slink over to the table for a napkin. There’s not a napkin in sight. There may not be a napkin at the entire dinner party. In a panic, I grab a black scarf and wipe my fingers into it. I glance around to see if anyone’s noticed. Everything seems fine. Victoria appears by my side, picks up the scarf and wraps it around her neck. ‘Is that yours?’ I say. ‘Mmmmyes…it’s cashmere.’ ‘Ah wow…beautiful.’ We head downstairs and I meet George who reminds me of someone from somewhere. I ask if he’s desi and he laughs. I’m told it’s his apartment. I’m dancing with Anaïs and Victoria, but something is off. They don’t want me. I am sitting on the couch next to Anaïs. Anaïs is dancing with the chef and Victoria. I’m dancing with Victoria. I’m kissing Victoria. She reprimands me. She tells me she’s also sleeping with the chef. I am sitting on the couch next to George’s girlfriend. I can’t remember her name. We’re talking about A. J. Ayer. I’m still reeling, struggling to stay awake. George’s girlfriend is telling me that Jacob’s girlfriend is a Zionist. We agree that last spring’s protests were very moving. Victoria is giving George’s girlfriend a lap dance. George corners me. I can see Victoria and Anaïs headed for the door. I throw my shoes on while George writes his number on a scrap of paper. I rush out the door. Anaïs and Victoria are nowhere to be seen.

One month later I’m back in the the nicest elevator in the nicest building in the nicest part of Harlem. George has invited me over for drinks. It’s half past 10. My heart is racing. The thrill of new people, the potential of Victoria. I try to ignore the feeling. Back in front of 9Q, I knock. There’s rustling behind the door. ‘Looks like someone you’d be friends with,’ a voice on the other side says. The door opens and reveals a shortish boy wearing JNCO jeans and a quarter zip with large Coke bottle glasses. ‘Hello mate, I’m Lukas.’ ‘Sorry?’ ‘Lukas, as-in Look!-Ass!’ ‘…’ ‘Look!-At!-That!-Ass!’ Inside the apartment, sitting around a coffee table are George and the chef, who’s name I learn is Tristan. I shake their hands and pretend not to recognize Tristan. George pours me a whiskey and I sit down on the floor. ‘I hear you’ve been freakin’ and geekin’ with Victoria,’ George says. I stop laughing. ‘I guess so,’ I say. I omit the fact that we only had sex one time, and that it was last semester, in hopes that they will see me as the kind of person who is sleeping with Victoria. ‘That’s hard to do!’ I’m beaming inside. I feign ignorance. ‘Is it?’ ‘Yeah boy, but Tristan’s been doin’ it too.’ Tristan reaches over from across the table and shakes my hand. ‘Men of taste,’ he says. He’s smiling, but something in his eyes sends a different message. I’m not sure what to do or say. ‘How do you know Victoria?’ Tristan says. ‘We met in Paris through my friend Alice—’ Lukas nearly does a backflip. ‘Alice? Alice Davidson?’ ‘Yeah…’ ‘No way mate, I’ve been seeing her for like two weeks!’ We all laugh, but everyone’s ears have pricked up. There are a few too many coincidences in the room for comfort. I light a cigarette and lean back on the rug. George is telling Lukas about a party he went to at St. A’s. ‘So who else do you know at Columbia then?’ Tristan says. ‘Well I…there’s this other girl,’ I say, ‘Lucia.’ George lights up. ‘Boy! Tristan slept with her too!’ An hour in, Lukas pulls out a reporter’s notebook. He wants us to each contribute a sentence. I suspect he will later plagiarize them. Tristan goes first. ‘He sure was one horny cockroach,’ he says. ‘Good good, this is disgusting!’ Lukas says. I try to think of a line for when it’s my turn. Tristan is cutting his cocaine into three tidy lines atop a copy of The Phenomenology of Spirit. He’s showing me a photo on his phone of three tidy lines of cocaine atop a copy of The Phenomenology of Spirit. This confuses me. ‘Okay, Oliver, you’re next!’ Lukas says. I struggle to strike the right balance between witty and profound. Plus, now I have to try and figure out a way to top Tristan’s cockroach bit. I want to impress them, but I don’t want to give it away all at once. George is on the phone trying to convince his girlfriend to to come over. Lukas takes the phone from him. Tristan hands me the rolled up twenty euro bill. I do a line and the coke hits me like a truck. George has his head in Tristan’s lap scrolling through Alice’s instagram page. ‘Lukas, invite Alice over. Lukas, Lukas.’ ‘Oliver, I need a sentence.’ There’s a knock at the door and George jumps up to answer it. Tristan is lining up more coke. I discreetly text Alice asking if she’s in the area. ‘Mate, the worst part about coke is that your dick stops working,’ Lukas says. ‘You just need to get some sildenafil. Then everything’s fine,’ Tristan says. George re-enters with a bottle of wine and a girl he introduces as Nancy, which is really a shame because she’s young and bubbly. Tristan stands up and sits next to her. George sits down next to me. ‘Boy, have you heard about subaltern studies,’ he says. ‘No,’ I say. ‘Y’know, George and I did meet in a foursome,’ Tristan says to Nancy. George watches me overhear this. He puts his arm around me. ‘It’s true, these girls told us to make out and we just went for it.’ My phone buzzes. Alice is back at her apartment. I tell her I’ll be there in 20 minutes. ‘Oliver, what is your sentence!’ Lukas shouts. I tell everyone I’m off to an NYU party downtown. After I close the door and say goodbye, I can just make out Lukas saying Alice’s name. I shrug it off as drunken paranoia until Alice texts me ‘wtf’ when I’m almost at her’s. She takes me upstairs. Her building is wood paneled and cozy. I’m more comfortable than at George’s glossed, mirrored monstrosity. ‘What’s up?’ I say. ‘What’re you doing with Lukas?’ I laugh, but I realize that I have to go back now. They’ll all laugh at me. They know that I lied to them. They’re already texting me. I have to go back and face the music. Alice is already excited about going. George calls me and says he’s called an Uber. I start back down Alice’s wooden stairs. ‘Oliver,’ she says from above, ‘You forgot your bag.’ Forgot is a strong word. I wince. ‘I’ll come get it after,’ I say. I’m surprised when she says okay. When I do face the music, it’s quiet and soothing. They all rib me a little, but I smile and they let me off easy. I settle back down onto the floor. Tristan announces the last bottle of wine. Alice and George are flipping through a book of Hieronymus Bosch’s paintings. Lukas eyes them suspiciously. Nancy passes me a guitar. We have all taken our shirts off. I start to play ‘Norwegian Wood,’ but I can’t remember all the words. I can feel my face getting red. Lukas joins in and finishes the song for me. Tristan cuts up some more lines. We offer the last one to Alice. She reacts like a kid in a D.A.R.E. video. I lock eyes with her and make the ‘let’s go’ motion with my finger. Back at Alice’s, I splay my body across her couch. It’s quite uncomfortable. She’s pacing back and forth. I’m trying to slow my heart rate. ‘Y’know I have a flight in the morning,’ she says. ‘Oh…right.’ She sits in a chair all the way across the room. I make a big show of yawning and stretching. I keep rubbing my face. I feel like I’ve swallowed a cup of gravel. ‘What time is it?’ I say. ‘Four-something.’ ‘Oh Jesus. I might just sleep here then.’ Alice shifts around in her chair and stays silent. She doesn’t seem particularly fond of the idea. I sink deeper into the couch. My head is buzzing and my nervous system is trying to escape my skin. ‘I was actually going to hang out with Lukas,’ she says. ‘Well, I thought you might like to hang out with me.’ ‘No. I don’t get to see him often so I’m going to hang out with him.’ I head downstairs. Alice comes with me. I smoke in silence for what feels like an hour. ‘Look, I think you’re a really great friend,’ she says. ‘Likewise.’ ‘And we always have a great time together but I just don’t think of you like that anymore.’ I take a drag of my cigarette. ‘After everything in Paris with Victoria I started to see you differently,’ she says. She’s shivering and I’m upset. My watch reads 04:30. I don’t want to see Lukas, so I leave.

Before dinner is served, Lukas is asking all the guests if they have cash. He wants to get a bag of coke, but mostly he’s just annoying people. I lie and tell him I don’t have any. Tristan, tonight’s host, stops his cooking to say hello and find me a chair. Lukas has found a victim and is counting up their cash. Tristan’s neighbor hands me a bottle of Beaujolais. I roll a cigarette with Anaïs’ tobacco and try to remember what she does. Jacob is sitting next to her. I try not to mention Victoria, who’s been ignoring my texts. ‘How have you been?’ I asks Anaïs. ‘Well, good, I was upstate and I’ve been shooting.’ ‘You’re doing all the American things,’ Jacob says. He thinks she means shooting guns. ‘Well I was shooting even when I was still in Paris,’ she says. Jacob’s eyes widen. I choose not to explain the confusion. George dances his way over to us and hugs Anaïs from behind and kisses her cheek. She squeals and scrunches up her face. ‘Doesn’t Anaïs have such a military posture?’ he says. I tell him that he also has a military posture. ‘Yes, yes, you do! It’s so fascist!’ Anaïs says. I offer George a glass of wine. ‘Nope! Can’t do it. I’ve been sober for five years,’ he says. I light a cigarette just before dinner is served, so I’m forced to smoke and eat at the same time, which I hate. Dinner is a delicious shrimp curry with white rice. Everyone silently hunches over and shovels food into their mouths. The spicy curry stings my empty stomach. ‘I love your scarf, Oliver,’ George says, ‘It’s so you.’ ‘Thanks, it was our mutual friend’s,’ I say. ‘Who? Victoria?’ ‘Yup.’ Jacob swivels in his chair. I can see him texting Victoria about me from over his shoulder. Just then, Lukas jumps up from the table and rushes outside. He re-emerges a few minutes later. ‘Dessert!’ he says, holding a bag of coke. ‘Victoria said this party is her nightmare,’ Jacob says. ‘Why?’ I say, once I realize he’s talking to me. ‘Because she’s hooked up with all of us,’ he says. He starts grinning a little, which irritates me. I take the bait. ‘I don’t really think Victoria likes me all that much,’ I say. ‘No, she really respects you.’ ‘That doesn’t mean she likes me.’ ‘She really respects you.’ I’m certain that he’s trying to put me down. That he’s telling me Victoria likes him more. I thank Tristan for dinner and tell him how much I enjoyed it, then I get up to get more wine. Lukas approaches. ‘Mate, I wasn’t reading the room the other night, when I slept over, sorry,’ he says ‘Wha?’ ‘With Alice. She told me that you were gonna stay at hers, but I didn’t read the room.’ I laugh. ‘It’s all good,’ I say. I’m not sure if he’s extending an olive branch or a cactus. It feels like he’s pulling the same trick as Jacob. After the table is cleared, I cut lines onto a coffee table book called The Ballad of Sexual Dependency. George brings someone over. Lukas leans over to me. ‘Cut me up a fucking slug man,’ he says. ‘This is Leyla, a friend of Jacob’s,’ George says. ‘Are you named after the song?’ I say. ‘What fucking song?’ Lukas says. I hand Lukas the book and he leans over it and sniffs up the three lines. Anaïs watches on. ‘It’s Eric Clapton,’ Leyla says. ‘If you wanna hang out…you gotta takeherout,’ Tristan says. ‘No, no, not that one.’ ‘I don’t like it,’ Anaïs says. ‘Like what?’ Lukas says. ‘I’m not named after the song,’ Leyla says. ‘The thought of all that shit going up my nose.’ ‘How’s it spelled.’ ‘You’ve never tried coke before?’ ‘L-E-Y-L-A’ ‘Nope.’ ‘So, just like the song?’ ‘Here, take some and put it into your gums.’ Leyla laughs. Anaïs is bending over to try and pick up the cocaine, but her hair is getting everywhere and it’s messing up Lukas’ lines. Leyla takes some into her pinkie and presents it to me. I sniff it up out of her nail. Our eyes meet. She zeros in on me. I don’t break eye contact until Jacob comes over and sits down. Anaïs leans into Lukas. I’m getting jealous and irritated. The book comes around again. I roll a cigarette with Jacob’s tobacco. He starts talking to Leyla. George finishes off the cocaine. I almost make a comment about his sobriety. Anaïs and Lukas have convinced everyone to watch their films on Tristan’s projector. I sit next to Leyla. Anaïs and Lukas are on top of each other on the other end of the couch. It’s clear they will go home together. Jacob sits between Leyla’s legs. She leans forward and strokes his hair. When Anaïs’ film ends, Leyla leans back and I put my arm around her. Lukas’ film starts, and Leyla’s leaning into me. Jacob looks over his shoulder. Anaïs and Lukas are still on top of each other. Leyla sits up and drapes her arms around Jacob. I wonder if they’ll go home together. The film starts. I fall asleep. When I come to, everyone is clapping and getting ready to leave. Anaïs and Lukas are out the door with George. Jacob and Leyla and I spill onto the street. ‘Wanna split a cab back?’ I ask Leyla, watching Jacob. ‘Sure,’ she says. ‘I can call you an Uber,’ Jacob says. ‘I’m fine,’ Leyla says. This exchange arouses me. At mine, we do more cocaine off my copy of Take Ivy. We kiss and she takes off her clothes. I am on top of her. ‘Take off your shirt,’ she says. I oblige, though I’m not certain why. We touch each other. I can feel myself faltering. She tries to have sex. ‘Mmmmno,’ I say. ‘Do you just really like mutual masturbation or what?’ I sit up and take another bump of cocaine. I lay back and she gets on top of me. I can feel her against me. I push against her. ‘Are you trying to fuck me?’ she says. ‘Are you clean?’ ‘Yes.’ I make an attempt, but I can’t keep going. ‘I have to go home,’ she says. I lay back and try to get her to stay. ‘You have coke dick,’ she says. ‘I can—’ She’s already in her clothes and out the door. I’m left a vague psychological satisfaction. It has more to do with Jacob than anyone else. The sun is starting to come through my windows.

Another month, and I’m back uptown. This time in Anaïs’ apartment, which is too small for her party. Tristan and I are pouring each other wine. I can see Victoria sitting on the couch behind Anaïs. I haven’t seen her since George’s dinner party. Tristan greets her. I’m not sure what to do. Anaïs interlaces her fingers with mine. ‘Is today your real birthday?’ I say. ‘Yes, I will be 21 at midnight.’ ‘Now you can finally drink!’ She laughs. I make eye contact with Victoria and walk over. She has bangs now. I smile. She smiles. ‘I’m very mad at you y’know,’ I say. ‘I know. I’m terrible.’ I nod. ‘I feel so guilty, I always feel so guilty,’ she says. ‘You could apologize.’ ‘Apologize? For what? For being myself.’ She stands up and we walk across the room. I start to roll a cigarette. She thrusts her hand into her boot and fishes around for a while. She procures another pouch of tobacco. ‘Roll me one too,’ she says. I shake my head. She sighs. ‘I’m leaving New York,’ she says. ‘Ah.’ ‘How do you want me to apologize then?’ ‘Try “I’m sorry”.’ She falls to her knees and wraps her hands around my legs. ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,’ she wails, thrashing her head up and down. People nearby turn and look. Tristan eyes me. ‘Will you ever forgive me?’ I laugh. Tristan is still looking over at us. She stands up and hugs me. ‘Better?’ she says. I don’t know what to say. I finish rolling my cigarette and hand it to her. She disappears. I sit on the couch watching everyone’s butts shake to some French song I’ve never heard. I sip my beer and try to look natural. Tristan comes over with a woman wearing big glasses. They sit down. I introduce myself to her. ‘We met at George’s dinner party,’ she says. ‘Sorry, I met a lot of people that night,’ I say. ‘Maria set the whole night up,’ Tristan says. ‘I did not,’ she says. ‘They call Oliver the last male philosopher,’ Tristan says. I laugh. Maria doesn’t. ‘What do you do?’ she asks. Before I can answer, Victoria appears at my side. She leans in close to my ear. I can feel her lips brushing against it. ‘I have to go to the bathroom, don’t you?’ she says. I nod. ‘Finish your cigarette first.’ By the time I’m in the bathroom, the light is off and Victoria is still peeing. She’s embarrassed and she makes me turn away and sing. The only song I can think of is ‘I Wanna Be Adored’. I’m out of tune but the song is more or less fitting which grosses me out. Victoria laughs and washes her hands and starts kissing me. I bump into the light and it comes on pink, which surprises me. Vanessa sits up on the bathroom counter and I stand over her. Once we reemerge, Maria tells me about how much she likes Plato. Just before I can start in about how little I like Plato, I notice Victoria and Jacob exiting the bathroom together. My heart sinks. I didn’t see him come in. Someone brings in a cake and everyone starts to sing ‘Happy Birthday’ in a mix of French and English. Victoria dances with Anaïs. I greet Jacob. We get more wine. Victoria walks over. ‘Do you bring all your friends into the bathroom like that?’ I say. ‘Only the ones with drugs,’ she says. In the dark of Anaïs' bedroom, Jacob is scooping ketamine out of a baggie with a key. Tristan looks on expectantly. Jacob looks up at me. ‘Did you fuck Leyla?’ he says. ‘Well, I tried,’ I say. He glares and smiles. ‘Huh?’ ‘Should’ve taken sildenafil. I gave Lukas some the other night when he went to Alice’s. It works wonders,’ Tristan says. ‘Ah, coke dick.’ He says it the same way Leyla did. My skin crawls. I take a hit of Ketamine. ‘That’s the best part about “K”. You don’t have to worry about shit like that,’ Tristan says. ‘It makes you sentimental though, like a big slobbering crybaby. If you do too much,’ Jacob says. ‘That’s just how I am,’ I say. No one laughs. My nose burns. Maria and Victoria come in. I sit down at Anaïs’ desk and spin in her chair. ‘I’ve kissed everyone here,’ Victoria says. Everyone laughs. We all decide to go have a cigarette, but by the time I’m finished rolling mine, Jacob and Tristan and Victoria have left. Maria is sitting quietly on the edge of the bed. I sit down next to her. We lean back into the bed. We kiss, and I dangle my shoes off the bedside so as not to dirty Anaïs’ sheets. Back on the couch, Victoria grabs my face and kisses me. I look over at Jacob and smile. She grabs his face and starts to kiss him. Jacob starts to laugh. Victoria gets off my lap and sits on his. I’m relived. I look around. If anyone has noticed us, they’re pretending not to. Tristan’s speaking softly with Maria. Anaïs is nowhere to be found. Jacob is laughing. Nobody really says anything. Eventually, Victoria gets too tired and too drunk and gets off of us. Tristan walks over. ‘You chaps ready to go?’ he says. Jacob says yes. I find Maria and Victoria. Jacob and Tristan start putting their coats on. I’m hoping I might be able to stay a little longer with Victoria and Maria. And that Jacob and Tristan might notice. Victoria lays on me. Maria lays on her. ‘Jacob and Tristan are leaving,’ Maria says. ‘I know. I might stick around,’ I say. Victoria looks me dead in the eyes. ‘No, you should go,’ she says. In the car on the way home, Jacob and Nathan are calm. It seems our game has been suspended. ‘That party wasn’t great—I didn’t meet anybody new,’ Tristan says. ‘Maria was nice,’ I say. ‘Yes, lovely kisser,’ Tristan says. The game is now back on. ‘Victoria gets quite jealous though,’ Tristan says, ‘After I kissed Anaïs upstate, she hardly talked to me for the rest of the trip.’ Jacob laughs.

It’s Victoria’s last night in New York, so I go over to her apartment on Sackett Street to steal her clothes and have some jam and bread. I meet her friend Katya who tells me we’ve already met at George’s dinner party. ‘Sorry,’ I say, ‘I met a lot of people that night.’ Jacob meets us on the L train. Victoria leans into me. ‘Out of all of them, you were the best,’ she says. Katya bursts out laughing. She relays the message to Jacob. ‘She told me the same fucking thing on Saturday!’ he says. There’s a scenester party happening at Studio 151, so it’s full of people. But, Anaïs is there and she orders a dark and stormy, which I think is funny. Jacob asks me when I’m going to California. Anaïs puts my hat on and talks to this guy who looks like Steve Earle. I dance with Katya and mistake a beautiful boy on the dance floor for Silas. ‘Paris Latino’ transitions into either ‘Bizarre Love Triangle,’ or ‘Temptation’. I secretly hope it’s ‘Bizarre Love Triangle’. Victoria and Jacob dance and kiss. Victoria tries to kiss me, but I just keep dancing. I sit down and Katya sits next to me. Victoria is eyeing us. I lean close to Katya. ‘Let’s make Victoria jealous,’ I say. I regret it immediately since I actually want to kiss her. When we break apart, Victoria sits on my lap and starts to kiss me. It grosses me out a little, and I can’t help but laugh. Everything is fitting together nicely. An oafish photographer I know takes a picture of Katya and I kissing, but walks away when I try to say hello. An hour or so later, Victoria stumbles out and hugs Jacob and Anaïs and I. She’s so drunk she can hardly walk. Anaïs helps her into a cab. Jacob and I wave goodbye from behind our cigarettes. I’m trying to find meaning, but it’s all too short to be profound. At mine, Katya lays back on my couch and I kiss her. I’m surprised when we take off our clothes and get into bed and just fall asleep. In the morning, I feel like a kid.

‘You missed quite the party last night!’ Jacob tells Tristan that afternoon. ‘It was so fun!’ Anaïs says. Jacob rolls double sixes and I make a scene. ‘So, did you go home with that guy?’ I ask Anaïs. She makes a face. ‘Yes, butitwassobad’ Tristan and I laugh. ‘No, honestly it’s been so bad since I came to New York.’ Tristan pours more drinks. I lose at backgammon. Jacob keeps saying that it’s funny Victoria brought us all together.

Manhattan, January 27th, 2025